Ms. Jelly If You're Nasty
2003-08-13, 1:50 p.m.

Dear Shareholders,

The Board of Directors at Slummy Jelly inc. had their tri-annual meeting this weekend and after laying off a few employees (Andreas, I'm sorry, you've been fired), there will be a massive reconstruction.

I'm probably gonna go to weblog because I don't have the room and space in this format to discuss all the Ridiculese in my world, and really, that's our mission here at Slummy Jelly.

Please be patient while we seek to better serve you.

Thank you,
Jelly

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In the last 24 Hours, top-ranked preposterous things....

Heard: "Your daughter's dead and there's not one cell in your junky body that gives a damn."--Ice T

Read: "Got tight last night on absinthe. Did knife tricks."--Ernest Hemingway

Seen: The Moon For Sale

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My dear brother, Thomas, who is both a good christian and an upstanding citizen, thought he could exorcise me once and for all, by taking me to the Brooklyn Tabernacle on Sunday. The place seated about 2500 people and there was not a single space open in the house. Lord have mercy. I got all slain in the spirit and shit with The Music. I'm talking singing at the top of your lungs, ass-shakin, body-swayin', hands-clappin', amen yellin' Music. Of course it was all Jesus this and Jesus that, but if you could get past all that, it was so beautiful and spritual. The most gorgeous part was everybody throwing an arm up in the air, like an antenna, so they could channel straight to The Lord. Can you hear me now? Good. Can you hear me now, Lord? Good. OK, so The Music, it goes on for 45 minutes or so, before they even get to the talkin'. Everyone is in such a fervor from The Music, they're throwing out Amens and Hallejahs and Praise you, Sweet Jesus every ten words or so. But when the guest speaker, Franklin Graham, son of Billy Graham, came out, people went out of their ever-living minds.

And although it's totally not my gig, the church thing, and the ChrsitChristChrist thing, I truly envied these people their faith. I would truly like to believe in something so strongly, something that moved me. And while I enjoyed Brook Tab for the entertainment value, it just doesn't work for me. However, despite not being a Believer, I'm happy to let that serve the people it serves, without my judgement or condemnation. See, cuz my motto is: If it makes you happy, then it can't be that bad. Yes, Sheryl Crow is my religion. Ha. I kid. Serious though, as long as it doesn't hurt someone else and as long as you don't force it on other people, have at it. Christianity, Astrology, Shinto, whatever, may you have that freedom to search and follow whatever brings the most peace into your life.

Today's religious lesson will be: The Golden Rule.

Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.
Buddhism

What is hateful to you, do not to your fellow man. That is the entire Law; all the rest is commentary.
Judaism

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Christianity

No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself.
Islam

Blessed is he who preferreth his brother before himself.
Baha'i Faith

You do your thang, I'll do mine.
Jellyism

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Which brings me back to the number 5. All of the previous love-one-another-as-you-do-yourself applies to everybody except those with dimples. I don't trust people with dimples. I'm sure they are playahs in disguise. And I won't have it.

Thank you for your attention. Now, back to your regularly-scheduled programming.