J-J-J-Jaded
2003-08-24, 3:00 p.m.

"You know when Samuel died...when Samuel died, I cursed God. Did I damn everyone around me as well as myself?"--Brad Pitt as Tristan in Legends of the Fall

You know, I try to stay positive. I honestly try not to be a complainer and feel sorry for myself. But right now, I'm throwing a surprise pity party for myself and you're all invited.

Things that have happened in my life in the last year:

--Scaffolding accident whereby my head and back were bashed right the fuck in so as now I am a dullard and a crybaby
(Sub-categories)
**Lost the majority of my "friends"
**Injuries, like this motherfucking daily headache, have not healed as of yet
**Told I cannot have children for at least 2 years, when plan was to start immediately
**Haven't been able to return to work
**Owe $100,000 in doctor bills

--Moved to a new place where I have met no one and I do nothing

--Told I had skin cancer, which did not end up being skin cancer, but still resulted in a four-inch purple scar in the middle of my back

--Never had a flat tire in my life but blow-out on highway, while on vacation, ruining rim, costing $2000

--Got into another car accident, going 10 miles per hour, but still resulted in $8,000 in damages to my car that had less than 20,000 miles and is now a piece of shit

--Grandfather Casolaro died 2/03

--Another blow-out on highway, despite buying all new tires 3 months ago

--Cervical Epidural #1

--Major misunderstanding with one of my closest friends who decides never to speak to me ever again

--Grandfather Chauncey died 5/03

--Told I had a miscarriage, which ultimately was untrue, but continue to have my period twice a month nevertheless without any explanation or solution

--Cervical Epidural #2

--Third blow-out in 6 months time

--Try to play tennis for the first time in 2 years, per doctor's instructions, reinjure neck

--Father has triple bypass 8/10/03

--Grandmother Chaplinski dies 8/23/03

So I just found out that my grandmother died. My third and final grandparent in 6 months time.

All I know is that I must have been a really shitty person in a previous life. Or maybe, there really is a Higher Power and he loathes me. When my favorite grandmother, Grandma Chauncey, who was extremely, extremely religious, died five years ago, I said, "You know what, God? FUCK YOU! Fuck You and your Son and your whole goddamned family and your fucking ghost and all the bullshit that goes with it. If you exist, I refuse to worship you, so you are as dead to me as my grandmother is." So, although he took his time about it, yeah, God, if I believed in that sort of thing, is giving me a big fuck you back. Ah well. Fuck you again and again, you non-existent spiteful motherfucker. Funny that. So, clearly, when I cursed God, I damned everyone else around me as well as myself. Either that, or I shouldn't go to Vegas because Lady Luck is giving me a golden shower.

The saddest part is that, besides this brief and pathetic anger, I'm just plain dulled. Apathetic; at best, cynical. Look, I know people have to die. And I know bad things happen to good people. I'm not unrealistic. But my grandmother's death should be mourned and felt, instead of seen as the latest wretched thing in an atrocious year. But it keeps coming so fast and furious, disappointment on top of tragedy, that my emotions can't keep up.

"My, my baby blue
Yeah you're so jaded
But I'm the one that jaded you."

Whatever. I just needed to rant and feel sorry for myself instead of facing what's really happening here. But for fuck's sake, enough already.