Everything is Relatives
2004-08-09, 7:19 p.m.

What does not kill me makes me blog. Today concludes Day Fife-Thousant-and-Seven of the familial visitors and praise allah, xanax really works! Matt's parents left conveniently at 4:25am for fear of hitting The Traffic, which is one of only 672 psychoses and neuroses that Matt's mother suffers from. To be fair, Marlene was on her best behavior this weekend, with only three major episodes (down from the typical 17 per weekend) so it turned out remarkably better than I thought. "Vacation Marlene" enjoyed her first-ever pedicure, swam three feet in the kiddie pool, played a dice game, laughed, and ate out at a restaurant for the first time in several years. I haven't seen this kind of progress since Boston started the Big Dig. Fo reals, though, she did really well for Marlene, and I sure ain't complainin'. 'Course she brought seven bags of groceries with her, bellyached about not having grandchildren, made a list of the things that are wrong in my house, did my laundry every day--but she is Marlene, after all. Can't expect to turn water into wine every day of the week, you know?

Matt's youngest sister Jessie came for the visit, though Missy, his other sister, declined, calling us the night before they were supposed to leave saying, "I just can't do it. Eleven hours in the car with Mom? Impossible." Can't blame her, though. It was probably for the best anyway, because Missy and Matt always get into some preposterous sibling-thing anyhow, and then we're suddenly getting kicked out of the house. Might have proved interesting, though, it being our house this time. But absurdly glad we didn't have to find out. I get along really well with Jessie being that I've known her since she was 10. She's always been that sort of crazy that would run head-first, full-speed into a wall, and then laugh wildly afterwards. And then do it again. Mostly, a harmless nut-job. Kid has gotten more pump-soap shoved into her mouth than any child alive, that much I can guarantee. At 22, she's a loud-mouth ball-breaker who has zero shame nor fear and I love her for it. We planned details about her wedding next October to her spanish-speaking, illegal-immigrant boyfriend, Ricardo, whom she's been engaged to for just over 2 years (much to my initial dismay). Unfortunately, Ricardo couldn't come on the trip because he works a gabillion hours a week in order to send money home to his mother and father in Argentina. Ah well.

It wouldn't have felt like a complete weekend with the Joneses if we didn't have a couple good screaming matches. The first one was over politics because Matt hasn't realized it's impossible to compete with nonsense, like when Mar and Bill say things like, "The economy has never been better!" or "Thank God that W. believes in God because this is a crusade against all Muslims!" But after everyone got their yell on in the car, we had a lovely afternoon at the JCC. The only other significant Battle Royale ensued last night at about 10pm because Jessie hadn't be able to get a hold of Ricardo since Friday night and Marlene starts saying helpful, reasonable things like, "He's part of Al Qaeda, I know it! Him and all his immigrant friends!" which after hearing this for two years prompts Jessie to scream, "Shut the FUCK up, you stooopid stoopid bitch!" which induces Bill (Matt's father) to yell, "Don't speak to your mother that way!" which causes me to crawl under the couch. Doors slamming and voices raised, Matt simply retires to his bed. And I shortly after him.

Turns out, though, that today, admidst more fighting in the car on their way home about not hearing from Ricardo, Missy calls to say she found a note from him saying, "Jess, I've gone back to Argentina. I love you-Ricardo." Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Poor, poor girl. She calls me from the car and she's completely devastated while Marlene shrieks in the background about how she's never trusted him and they're gonna call INS and how they should have never come to visit. I feel so incredibly badly for Jess, I just can't imagine. It's really broken her and what can you say to someone who has been betrayed like that? But what's worse for her is Marlene's "I knew it!" and what's worse is that Marlene, despite all her paranoid and crazy suppositions about people, did know it.

Something like this was bound to happen. Not so much because Jess was maybe a little naive or hopeful or whatever. But more because the visit, all in all, went too well and I knew something had to come around to confirm for Marlene that she should never have left her house. I only wish Jessie's heartache wasn't the price of Marlene memorizing that lesson--a lesson she's already known all too well. In the end, though, madness--it's all relative, no?