Help Me Help You
Thursday, Nov. 18, 2004, 11:48 a.m.

After receiving Top Marks from my dentist yesterday, I'd like to thank the little people who've made this happen: Dr. Yim, who, in his 15 second appointments with me, never failed to believe in me; Costco, for making the jagunda size Arm & Hammer's with the baking soda and peroxide; my trusty little friend Sonny Care; my parents and loved ones who have made countless sacrifices to support my neverending quest for proper dental hygiene; and of course, a special shout-out to J.C., Our Father, and all the saints in heaven, without whom, I wouldn't even have teeth. Look, I don't have many things right now in my life to take great pride in and I have to take my positive reinforcement wherever it may come, so judge not, lest you be punched in the face. But seriously? If you're not using Sonicare, people? You hate yourself and I don't see Happy Times in your future. I can only pity such a disregard for one's own well-being. Trust me: Sonicare, believe the hype. I'll even offer a--one-time only!!--Money Back Guarantee. Hurry while supplies last!

So, as a reward for my Good Job yesterday afternoon, I allowed myself a couple ten mozzarella cheese sticks when I got home, followed by three cigarettes. And as I ripped glorious butt after glorious butt and pondered the pile of empty cheese wrappers, I noticed something alarming. At the bottom of the cheese wrapper was this warning: "SAFETY FIRST! Open the wrapper with your hands, not your teeth." To think, in my Mighty Excitement to Eat Cheese, I could have inhaled a plastic wrapping into one of my bronchial tubes, choked, and expired, NEVER TO ENJOY CHEESE AGAIN. I hope you can grasp the gravitas of this situation, dear friend. Lesson learned: not only are Rabid Cheese Eaters absolute pigs, they are also morbidly stupid, and must be protected from themselves. I can only pray that this little reminder saves Cheese Lovers lives the world over.

A final word of wisdom. I've been digging on this book that has been in my midst, yet unread, for some time. Our associate and good friend, Jenzy gave it to Matt whilst we were vacationing in Colorado together this year, and though Matt has benefitted from its clear thinking and sound judgement, I have only fell upon it recently. It is called The Art of Shen Ku, which covers all manner of knowledge from "How to Utilize Non-Electronic International Signals in Survival Situations" (pg. 36) to "A Traveler's Guide to Theurapeutic Self-Hypnosis" (pg. 127) to "How to Deal with Bullies and Bandits From Bogata to Bangkok" (pg. 193) and everything necessary for your body and soul in between. And in reading about how Juice Fasts can invigorate and rejuvenate your body, I thought it important to point out to you the following advice regarding Enemas (pg. 210): "Artificial flushing of the bowel is considered important when fasting - This is because with no feces being passed, toxins can accumulate and can putrefy, sometimes dangerously. CAUTION: Do not take enemas routinely for prolonged periods as: a) They weaken the bowel emptying muscles and b)ARE CONSIDERED HABIT FORMING." I've copied it exactly as it's been written, with the bolds, capitals, and underlines, because clearly, the very Last thing you need in this life is to end up in Rehab for BEA (Bowel Evacuation Addiction). I'm just sayin'.

In college, I was awarded The Jenny Rubin Memorial Scholarship "for the senior woman who best helps others to help themselves." Now, I never applied for this prize scholarship and anyone who knew me was, howdoyousay?, SHOCKED that I was awarded such a thing, because the only thing I was helping anyone to was The Bong. But in the years hence, I've come to take this very seriously. So Here: this entry. Don't say I never did anything for you.