Thanks For Playing, Try Again
Tuesday, Jan. 04, 2005, 1:49 p.m.

Great Scott! (Lest you think this is about you, andreas, let me rephrase: Great Kenny! Therrrrre, much better.) The holidays are, at last, ovah and I am still among the living. The travel up to my in-laws was nightmarish, as it was with nearly every other fool that decides to travel on those days, but I won't bore you with the deets. Let's just say that Independence Air is Airline-Non-Gratis with me from henceforward. They are Bastard People. Just so you know. And speaking of Bastard People, we managed not to get kicked out of Matt's family's house on Christmas day, though there was a jagunda fight the day after Xmas that almost got me banished from Chez Joness, and yet I gain. Suckahs can't hold me down. No, in truth, it was totally fine. And for them, that is the greatest compliment. We just got back last night from visiting Hop and his family which was sooper but would have been even better had I a) not had this raging head-cold and b) not been the designated driver on New Year's Eve. But all in all, it was lovely, though I am just so damn glad to be home in my own bed. The Travel, she wears on a person, yes?

The popular sentiment these days is "New Year's is a totally overrated holiday!" Why, yes. Haviously. But no more so than Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, your birthday, or Canada's Boxer Day. Thanksgiving has got that "Give thanks for family, friends, blehblahbloh" built in, and then it turns into screaming fights over Taboo.. Christmas has it's "Baby Jesus was born so let's give each other presents" and then it's the rude awakening of returns, returns, returns (edited due to not realizing that the Cosby sweater idea did not originate in my brain but with Miles.) And then on your birthday, you're supposed to be Le Princess, but then peeps forget it's your Special Day and start calling you Melissa instead of Michele or something. It's that age-old dilemma of expectations versus reality. And that is why I LOVE New Year's. Because 1) you're allowed to ring in the New Year with a bang--and there's nothing I love more than a bang and c) you get to have The Resolutions. It's like one great big DO OVER. And it has nothing to do with reality at all. In fact, it is the opposite of reality. People who are all "I'm Resolution Free"? You're missing the point, my friends. You fucked up last year. And you can keep fucking up and maintaining your wicked behavior all the way to midnight (and beyond, because if you don't go to sleep, of course, it still counts as The Year Before). So we party like it's the night before the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah and we smoke, drink, eat, fuck, etc. etc. like it'll be our one last time before Everything Changes. Because the next morning, or afternoon, as the case may be, with your hangover, you can have The Resolutions. With Resolutions, you can now absolve yourself of any guilt of your previous year's behaviors and imbue yourself with all sorts of righteous resolve to be The Glorious Person That You Wish You Were, instead of focusing on The Vice-Riddled Person You Were Last Year. I find it hopelessly endearing that so many of us actually think we can change. Truly. This sort of quixotic optimism gives me faith in humankind and a belief that Armageddon is not quite upon us. Because the reality that 99.3% of us probably won't change doesn't stop us, at least for a day or a week or two, from believing wholeheartedly that we can. On New Year's Day, those of us with The Resolutions are still bathed in the starry-eyed belief that anything is possible. So, in honor of this deludable tradition, I give you:

25 for 2005

25. Exercise. I don't know if it's because most of us have shoveled every non-movable item into our faces for the last six weeks or what, but I certainly don't want to be left out on this most popular of The Resolutions. I commit to move my body--beyond my current rigourous routine of from the couch to the refridgerator.

24. Eat Healthier. Of course, this follows that. What did you expect? But for truth, this holiday season hasn't been the only period where I have been eating like crap. So I must start eating better--or else get gastric bypass.

23. Stop Smoking. Trifecta! Wheeeeee! Have you people heard that the Surgeon General said that smoking may be hazardous to your health? Yes? Well, I wasn't sure if everybody had heard of this announcement because peeps, total strangers and loved ones alike, tell me "You know, smoking is bad for you." Really? No, really? Haaaaviously, I need to quit, but my pet peeve is when people try to tell me this. Like, Duh. But the fact remains that it is horrible and it must end. Pronto.

22. End the Hype about Colin Farrell. I need a Crusade and this might have to be it. I saw dude in Phone Booth last night after seeing him in Alexander a few weeks ago? And I vaguely remember his shoddy performance in a movie called SWAT or somesing? And I've decided that the love for him simply must be reigned in if we are to continue with civilization. He may be somewhat attractive, but acting, he sucks the big one. Speaking of the big one, I also saw pictures of his ding-a-ling? It's a goddamn cuban cigar. *hurl* I will be enforcing the embargo on his ass so consider yourself forewarned. It's the American thing to do.

21. Volunteer. I may really be pushing this Glorious Person I Wish I Was to it's very limits, but I really think I need to start doing something. I mean, now that my mind is working somewhat better than it originally was following my accident, I need to get out there. I generally have the time, now all I need to do is kickstart my motivation. Seeing things like the tsunami helps with that because it's heartbreaking and makes you realize how much more you have than other people. I guess I should learn to share, if only of my time.

20. Send a Card a Day. This was part of The Resolutions last year--or maybe it was the year before? Yeah, see how far this idea went? When I was writing out my measley holiday cards this year, I thought anew to myself, "Self, it's a shame that you don't ever write to these people throughout the year." Yeah, sure, I'll email some of them from time to time, but there's nothing like getting a card in the mail for no good reason. I'm going to get all over birthdays of my family and friends, but then on the other days, I'm going to send out a card to someone random. Interesting, yes? If you'd like to get on the birthday or randomization list, challah at me and you shall have it. That is, if I follow through with any of this, of course. *disclaimerdisclaimerdisclaimer* This isn't some Hallmark Pyramid Scheme, I assure you.

19. Stop Envisioning Killing People While Driving. I never really thought I had The Road Rage, but of late, it seems like I've come down with a real bad case of it. And the antibiotics aren't working. See, I can't get over how many shtoooopid people there are with a driver's license. It seems to me that in addition to your social security card and other paperwork you must bring to the DMV, you should also be required to bring a copy of an IQ test. Or perhaps in addition to the ten or so lame questions you have to answer to pass your written drivers test, they could add on two or three "Common Sense" questions to keep the morons from causing such harm. Something along the lines of "If you are in the fast lane doing 53mph and there are lines of people behind you, what should you do?" or "What does it mean if fifteen cars pass you on the right?" or "If you are riding up someone's ass in the fast lane, and they move over to accomodate you, should you a) pass them b) ride right next to them for 7 miles or c) ride them in the slow lane?" It seems that this would help humanity greatly, but the chances of the DMV doing something smart is so slim that I must look inward for changes or else suffer from The High Blood Pressure. I don't even commute on an every day basis so I have little cause for complaint, but still, people, it's not that difficult of a task, please *clapclap* Pay Attention.

18. Watch Less Telly. I mean, really. It's not even the 8-10 shows that I watch that need to be cut down. They're horrible, yes. But it's more like the 15-20 shows I watch while waiting for those 8-10 shows to come on. It's a problem. That's why I got DVR, fer crissake. Now all I need to do is not waste the $7/month I pay for it and actually record the shows I want to see. Easy pasy japaneasy, right? Ha, not so much.

17. Project: Picture Organize. I've actually made great strides in this department over the last year, but there is still much work to do. Specifically, I have divided the 4,789,023 pictures I have taken into three piles: Box, Book, Wall. And there they have laid. I swear to Allah and all 72 virgins that I will get these organized and into their respective locations by the end of 2005. Just wait til The Panic The Panic I have on December 19 attempting to get this done.

16. Have Neck Surgery. Otherwise, known as Grow Some Balls. I was supposed to have neck surgery last July but then, chickened out at the last minute, based on a supposed Second Opinion and since then, have stuck my head in the sand and pretended that I could live with the pain. I have been Cry-Baby Scaredy Cat for too long and it's time for me to come to grips with getting my health straight.

16. Spend More Quality Time With The Sade Sadie the Lady will turn 10 this January and that means bitch is getting old. She's already showing her age in different ways, and when I try to talk to Matt about a time when we won't have Girlsy, he starts to cry. For real. But I think that a big part of what makes death so difficult to accept is the guilt and regret involved and though I don't want to think of Sadie not in our lives, I want to prepare myself and make sure I appreciate her as much as I can now.

15. Take a Class. Last year I took a photography class or two and that was superfantastic. I feel like the older I get, the less I learn something new. And that's not because there's nothing new to learn, it's that i'm mentally (and physically) lazy. So Ima head that up.

14. Stop Killing My Plants. Prayhaps my class should be on Horticulture because the love and attention I have been giving my plants ain't cutting it. I even have to have fake plants *shudder* in order to maintain the green in my abode. It's pathetic. So I need to figure out the tricksy equation in which my plants will live and prosper.

13. Attend All My Nieces' and Nephews' Birthdays. I forget how much I loved my aunts and uncles as a kid and have been selfish in my dealings with my own nieces and nephews. Granted, we're not all in the same place, but I need to make more of an effort to be around for them on important days--and non-important days, too.

12. Simplify! Simplify! Simplify! I am a hoarder of things. I cannot help holding onto things for sentimental purposes, and while I'll never be able to throw out Every. Single. Letter. that has been sent to me, I need to get rid of all of the other superfluous stuff around me. Like my clothes from 1995. Maybe.

11.. Get Knocked Up. The doctors be damned--this will be The Year of Preggers.

10. Shhhhed-yule. This one sort of covers all previous numbers because I need to organize and schedule myself in order to accomplish what I want. I do everything by the seat of my pants, and if there was a little planning involved? Life would be sooooo much easier for me. But as we all know, I have 34 years of procrastination under my belt so this shall be no easy feat what with the piss poor planning and the unrealistic expectations. But if this is a Wish List of who I'd like to be, this comes pretty close to the top.

9-3. Stop Thinking I Can Accomplish More Than I Can. Ummm, like this list?

2. Promote World Peace and Harmony.

1. Find a Cure for Cancer.

I'll talk to you in July when I'm still the same fat, drunk, lazy, selfish, unorganized, chainsmoking asshole I ever was.