God Save The Queen
Tuesday, Feb. 08, 2005, 2:57 p.m.

You were thinking The Queen was me, weren't you? Hahahahahaha. No, silly! The Queen, of course, is Scott. Fort today is HIS birthday! Wheeeeeeeeeeee! Bitch been my bestest (x infinity) friend since we met when we were 13 years old, and now that we're 35 (Oh, it happens to be my birthday, too, so please feel free to tell me how HAMazing I am--stressing particularly the youthful good looks, por favor), Scott has definitely earned his Red Badge of Courage with me. And when I say he earned his RBC, I'm talking, of course, about the essay regarding Red Badge that he copied from mine in ninth grade. Back when he decided to go to the nurse EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. during English period. Aside from having to paraphrase the cliff notes of every book we were supposed to read, I also had to bitchslap our English teacher on his behalf. Not that it helped him much. Cuz Fran Cronin was ON to his game and was consequently highly instrumental in creating a class rank of 119 out of 133 for Scott for that semester. Uh, yes, your son is in The Snake Reading Group, ma'am. Gotta give him props though, because he did a Queer Eye for The Flunking Guy like nobody's bizness and made a comeback bigger than Mike Tyson--after he got released from prison but pre-ear biting. Yes, bigger than that. No, really. Dude's natural brilliance overcame his inbred procrastination and laziness and he was a SUPERSTAR. But we all already knew that, yes? Praise Allah that he wuz wikit smahht, because lawd knows how I would have passed three years of math if I didn't have him to cheat off of.

I've been trying to pick a story to illustrate all we've been through in these last 22 years but:

a) I simply can't pick one.
b) Mostly because I can't remember 95% of them--that's why I keep him around.

No, seriously. Should I talk about how he picked me up for school everyday and I'd make him wait for 15 minutes in my driveway and then he'd have to speed to school all angry and muttering things like "Move It Squirrel!"? Or how he brought his girlfriend (Ha. No HAHAHAHA) to my college for the weekend and then broke up with her because he didn't want to sleep with her? Or how he lived with my family for a summer and worked as a Professional Milk-Drinker and Zelda-Player? Or how he got into a massive fight at one of his friends' houses that he brought me to and when I asked what happened he said, "Ugh. She's just really annoying. By the way, I'm gay. Good night" and then rolled over and went to sleep? Or how he bought rocks because he liked the way they felt--in his mouth? Or how he would get gah-bombed and then piss out the second story window of my house--that was on a high school campus? Sweet Fancy Moses, these aren't even the good ones, here, peoples and I'm certainly not detailing one gazillionith of the times he's made me laugh until I peed. But in truth, one of the things I value most in this life, after pizza and heroin, is his friendship and with the many many many changes and ups and downs and boyfriends and clowns, Scott has been a constant. Now that we're 35, and our life, as he puts it, is half over, all's I can think is how fucking funny the next 35 will be--especially because he will be one hilarious Old Queen. Bless his heart. For serious, Scoogah, I wish you fife thousant hapinessess on your birthday, for I love you dearly. And queerly. But that's another story.

The best thing about this birthday for me so far happened in the wee hours. Matt has a propensity to talk in his sleep? And he fell asleep pretty early last night. But he'd half-wake up several times before midnight last night and say, all sleepy-like, "Is it your birthday yet? Is it your birthday yet?" And I'd say, "Not yet, babe. Go back to sleep." And about the fourth time he did this, I said, "Baby, just sleep. You'll see me tomorrow morning for my birthday." And he said, still half-asleep, half-confused, mind you, "But no. You're my favorite." And when I laughed he said, "I like you for about 672 reasons." And then fell promptly back to sleep. And here I was thinking it was only 671. I love that number, I might have to play it in the lottery. If this dogforsaken state had a lottery, that is! But that was the best present ever. Really. It's good to be King.