And I Can't Stop Talking...
Friday, Apr. 08, 2005, 9:38 a.m.

Oh, and another thing? *panting* I have so much I want to say? That I don't bother with introductions or slow myself down with segues. It's become somewhat troublesome--but I don't mind. Thusly, a half-question/half-list/three-fifths-dementia format will have to do here because, ohmygah, at this stage, my nonsense must at least be mentioned lest it be lost for all time. And my my, the crime against humanity that would be, no?

Question Soon To Be Retired After An Arduous and Well-Used Career: How are you feeling? HAMazing, thank you so much for asking! No really. I thank you. So much. The answer: I CANNOT believe how much this operation has lit-rally saved my life. I am a totally new person. And praise Allah, because we all know the old one was a pretty big asshole. Oh, who am I kidding, this new one is still a big fat asshole (stress on the fat, since I've gained 12 pounds in 7 weeks sitting on my ass) but an asshole that can move pretty freely without The Constant Pain. I'm apposed to take it a little easy on up to the three month point, but Christ on a bike, I've been taking it easy for three years. Now, I just want to dance. But regarding the asshole part, because I'm so wheeeeeeeeee and fancy free, I've been neglecting almost everything of import in my life. For example, ummm, the not writing for a month? Soory, peoples. You Know I'm Bad, I'm Bad--Come On, You Know (Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad) And The Whole World Has To Answer Right Now, Just To Tell You Once Again, Who's Bad . . . *moonwalking* OK, let me tell you how good people have been to me and then we'll judge what an arse I have been in return. First of all, Nicole and Niclas bring a girl child into the world, and I'm all, Uhhh, good job? But don't do send anything to congratulate them for over two months. Then, Savage, a friend of mine from atomicworld sent me a card and a Teeter gift which I used to buy Ho-Hos for my month long ass-sitting and I have yet to even acknowledge it. Then Scoogah sent me flowers (Be-you-tiful tulips, which are my flav) and while I have thanked him via the telly phone, I have not sent a note. Next, I get a TRULY STUPENDOUS package from Eva which not only contained choice products like Dr. Pepper lip balm and cinnamon Altoid gum but also contained a suh-weet yun-me scarf which she knitted and a CD entitled "The Best Cheerleader Cleavage in the NFL" which is beyond righteous. How righteous is it? So righteous that it has become the soundtrack of my recovery, and yet. Yes, you guessed it. No note from me. Not even a guestbook, "Hey got the package, thanks!" Because I keep telling myself that I will send out a CD and thank you to these people TODAY and then I'm all, "Gee, it's sunny. I think I'll go for a walk" and then I'm flitting hither and thither and my big plans of productivity are gone and another day goes by and it goes more and more ridiculous. Gah! I have also received phone calls from Jenny and Miles, who by the way has just announced that he and his wife are having le bebe--calls which I haven't returned. Cards from Iseultand others and emails from different peeps. All not answered. Therefore, in sum:

Health: Remarkably High
Attitude and Mindset: Corresponding
Body Weight: Extra Large
Selfish and Inconsiderate Behavior: Soaring
Overall Asshole Level: Extreme

For serious, though. To all of you who have been so very kind, you have my genuine thanks and my sincerest apologies. I swear, I WILL get back on the ball soon(ish). Does it make you feel better to know that I haven't sent my own father's birthday card from March 13th?

*sheepishly moving on*

Surgeries I am NOW considering since the last one went so great:
-Lasik
-Stomach Staple
-Baby Toe Removal

Jobs I Have Considered Now That I'll Be Able to Work Soon(ish):
-Selling Product Placement in Television Programs and Movies
-Underwater Photographer
-Female David Attenborough
-Dolphin Trainer
-Greeting Card Writer

Things I Have Enjoyed Over the Last Several Weeks:
-Vacation to Boone and Blowing Rock, North Cack for a week where Matt went fly-fishing everyday and I performed for the masses and made friends with drug dealers named Rothgar, who was part devil-worshipper and part-sweetheart
-Medical program which described the contents of a kid's stomach with the words "Upon examining The Human Gut"
-Bookworm
-Ella Minnow Pea

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Gah. I have been trying to write this since this am, but I met a friend for lunch, then went to the grocery store, and now am in my normal last-minute-for-everything panic. I have much MUCH much more to say, but must break for an intermission as I have the following projects to finish before 5pm and it is presently 230pm:

-Pick up pile of dogshit
-Beat Sadie
-Make potato salad
-Make fruit salad
-Finish cutting up chicken
-Learn how to dewinterize sprinkler system so all my seed doesn't burn on the ground
-Vacuum house
-Clean guest bath
-Slit wrists

More later, my sweets. Prolly much later, like Sunday, but wanted to get something out there so that you all knew I didn't expire like a soldier of Frahnce.

Oh, and another thing? *pantpantpant*